Words will never hurt me…. For 10 years of my life I was married to a narcissist alcoholic. The saying “stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is the most untruthful saying I have ever heard. I used to think that….but boy was I wrong. You see physical wounds heal but the power of words have stuck with me for so long and I don’t know how to fully overcome all of it……
See I was a teen mom and I absolutely love and adore my son so very much so when a man that was 6 years older than me offered to take care of me and my son it felt like a dream so we married but little did I know that for 10 years of my life I would live with a man who told me what to wear, what to do with my hair, who I could or could not talk to. A man who moved me to Clearwater, Fl not for a better life but to isolate me from all my friends and family. A man who would not let me have friends or go anywhere or do anything. To this day I really don’t have any friends because I just don’t know how to make friends and I am afraid of trying. He called me name’s, told me and made me feel that I was not good enough, that no one would ever want me. He made me feel like he was doing me a favor for being with me and taking care of me and my son. Then I had my daughter and how could I have 2 kids on my own??? How could I afford it???
So For years, I lived with a man who drank too much, who scared me more than anyone else. and so I smiled and I took it because my number one priority was for my children not to know what kind of man was raising them. I was always hiding behind a smile or in a crowd or in the back of a building never wanting to be seen or heard. I did that for so long that to this day I still don’t know who I am, or who I want to be other than a mother and a wife to my new wonderful husband (of 8 years). The person inside me always is screaming you can do it, look at me somebody, talk to me, smile at me, notice me. But the truth is I still hide in a corner and I hide behind a smile, and I am so self-conscious! I know I need to forgive this man. The man who after I left cut my brake lines, loosened the transmission on my car, slept on the roof of my house, followed me, stalked me, threatened me. This man blew the engine in my now husbands car, keyed the cars at our business. He ﬁnally moved out of Florida, and has not spoken to my children in years (That’s a another story). But if I have car trouble I think he’s back, if someone’s behind me driving for too long I think he’s back, when I can’t get a hold of my children I think he took them, when I hear a sound in the backyard I think he’s back. I don’t know if I will ever fully overcome, it but I have come a long way.
I used to beg and plead with God saying if you really love me then he won’t come home late or drunk and come home happy. It never happened, I was so angry, I would cry and yell that I didn’t believe in God that I hated him! I never praised thru the hard times instead I lashed out at God. It took me a long time to realize I just needed to praise thru the hard times and seek God. I found a great church and I found my way. I got remarried to a wonderful man. I can not be afraid. It’s so hard it’s been over ten years and I am finally feeling a small bit of freedom. I can’t and WON’T let fear control me. I still sometimes fear and wonder if he’s lurking in the corner watching. I don’t know where he is or if he is near, but all I can do is pray and let it go and refuse to let fear take over my life!
Deuteronomy 31:8 “He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do notbe discouraged.”
Isaiah 43:1 “Don’t fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are MINE.”
So this is me trying to be free, trying to let it go, trying to forgive…. Trying to receive the freedom I know I deserve.
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YOU are more than a conqueror
YOU are victorious